A Lesson in Breaking Up

My friend, Jenni, called from Illinois for advice about her relationship. Jenni and her boyfriend, Todd, loved each other very much, but had quite a few differences. Todd had 3 children from a previous marriage. Through these 3 children, Jenni learned that her boyfriend disagrees with her regarding parenting styles. When I asked her what her goals in life were, one of them was to have a child after receiving her teaching certificiate and after marriage. These issues need to be discussed prior to marriage to avoid getting children involved in a conflict and to prevent the conflict from escalating. Both parties should listen actively and state their opinion and why. If they still disagree and it is an issue that is very important to them (such as parenting) they need to consider whether the relationship is more important than these values. They can pray or get counseling, but they should not start off a marriage on the wrong foot. My friend also informed me that her boyfriend was physically abusive toward her. He apologized for it, but it kept happening. There is research to prove that it is extremely rare that the person doing the abuse ever stops. They do not want to admit that that it was their fault and they have their own issues and lack of self discipline to cause them not to learn from the mistake. If Jenni were to stay with Todd, the abuse would continue. Her self esteem, health, career, and social life will suffer. The bottom line is that Jenni is better off with no man than the wrong one. She cannot meet Mr. Right if Mr. Wrong continues to be a thorn on her side. Jenni told me that she cannot tolerate being by herself. I reminded her that it is likely that she would get divorced if she stayed with him and they got married that would have tremendous legal fees. Breaking up with him now will allow her time to find a healthy, stable relationship in which she could stay happily married. The bottom line is take care of yourself! Mr. Wrong will NEVER become Mr. Right. Don't waste your time. Get away from dead end / abusive relationships. It will be easier in the long run. It is like a person who needs surgery and will continue to suffer until they get the operation. If they postpone surgery, it will have to be done evenutally and they will worry until it is done. If they stay in the relationship, the pain will continue. Like surgery, a break up requires recovery time. Love yourself!